Ahhh...College!

So the party has been on hiatus for a month or so and I apologize. I imagine even Bernie Lomax's wild gigs in the Hamptons had to break up every now-and-then, so I hope you understand. But what better way to get the party re-started than the arrival of fall and the beginning of college season! Just sitting here thinking of Milwaukee and Marquette University...I can smell the burnt cow flesh from the tannery wafting over my dorm room at O'Donnell Hall. If you were lucky, the yeast flowing out of the old Pabst Brewery made its way up Wisconsin Ave with an aroma that said, "Kid, if you can make it through Logic 110 and Theater Appreciation, there is an icy cold beer or ten in your immediate future." If the two scents mixed, well, godspeed to you in the infirmary.

For a lot of my friends that I left in my past job, these weeks represent their maiden voyage to a land they think know everything about, but really have no clue. It can be explained 1,000 times by someone who has been through those glorious four (plus) years, but unless you have experienced it yourself, you are in for an all-out, no-holds barred, rip roaring adventure into the unknown. If you get it right, college is the craziest, greatest time you could ever imagine.

Yes, you will learn things - some of them even academic. But I'll venture a guess that you never thought you'd learn how long you could go without doing laundry, the absolute longest you can stay in bed before going to class, or how many soft-serve ice cream cones you can eat in a week. All of these are impressive feats to be sure, so do not dismiss them as irrelevant. In fact, this is EXACTLY the stuff that will remain with you for the rest of your life - much longer than anything you read in your over-priced textbooks.

College may be about a lot of things - but most importantly it is about self-discovery. Learning who you are, what kind of friends you surround yourself with, exploring interests, and learning to live on your own. At the end of which you earn a Bachelor's degree in Knowing Yourself. What could be more important or exciting? With so much to digest, I am happy to report that I have helped make it easier for you to acclimate. Without further ado, I give you The Kid's Five Keys To Freshman Year, and dedicate it to those who have left the nest to embark on the wildest ride since Mr. Toad bought real estate at Disneyworld.

1) No 8:00am classes. Never. If you are registered for one right now - change it. Trust me. Hey, I know what you were thinking: "I've been going to class earlier than that for twelve years - no big deal. In fact, I can wake up at 7:30, eat, and still make it to Psych or Calculus on time. Plus, I'll be happy to be done with it by 9:00am." Ahh...so young and so misguided. This is no direct reflection on you, Ms. Early Riser, but your inexperience in the social side of collegiate life is hugely at play here. I know you don't think you are going to deliberately miss classes, but I am here to tell you that it is a 100% certainty. Absenteeism is more likely than Lindsay Lohan heading back to rehab, gang. And it has much higher ceiling at 8:00am than at 10:00 or 11:00. Even then its iffy....

2) Don't be "the Party Room." Sure, everyone loves the room where there is action 24/7, the PS3 is hooked up and the music is cranked. You will love it too, unless of course these activities are taking place in YOUR dorm room. Dudes, you need your quiet time. There will be plenty of other moments in your college career where you will have all of the camaraderie you need. Don't lend out your place of sleep to others for recreation. I still have visions of "Dad," our party room host who's door was never locked and tv never off. Games of Sega NHL '96 were ongoing, often lasting well into the Wisconsin night. Dad sleeping in the corner, seemingly oblivious to the late-nighters who were playing games as if they were actually collecting the salaries of their Madden heroes. Dad, the consummate host. Dad, who eventually had to go part-time because he was failing out... Remember, it is always better to visit than to host. Always.

3) End the High School Relationship. In the words of the great Phil Knight: Just Do It. Sorry to break this to you, but it ain't gonna work out. Again, you are underestimating the college social experience, and quite frankly, it is borderline disrespectful. Don't mess with the college gods, folks. There is a force at work here greater than any of you can possibly fathom. It only asks for the occasional sacrifice (usually your dignity is involved) but if you can throw it an early bone and bag the high school BF/GF; don't fight it. Fact: .01% of high school relationships actually "make it"...and usually its because the couple either goes to the same college or somebody transfers because they can't handle being apart. Either of which is decidedly lame, btw. Ending a long distance college relationship is easier than ripping off a band aid, so suck it up and rip away. Either way, you are making out with somebody else this weekend. Why worry? Death, taxes, and the failed high school relationship. I should write a book...or a blog.

4) You Are In College, Remember. Anybody ever go to a private high school? On the first week of orientation, the Dean says something REAL profound like, "Take a look to your left. Take a look to your right. One of you will not be here in four years." Thanks, big guy, but your Gestapo techniques won't work here. You can't break me! (Sorry...back to the column.) It never fails - somebody you know and probably like won't make it past the first semester. Somebody else won't make it back for sophomore year. Quite frankly, some folks can't handle their new-found freedom. One guy likes beer to much. A girl on your floor watches "Days Of Our Lives" instead of going to Chem class...and fails out of school despite the fact that she can detail every abduction attempt Stefano has made on Marlena. Make a reasonable effort to go to class. College teachers don't ask that much of you, just that you show up occasionally. If you can actually parlay some attendance figures with studying, you'll make your folks proud, culminating with them taking you and your friends to dinner on Parent's Weekend. And who doesn't love free food?! It is one of The Kid's Keys To College Survival, which is another entry for another time. Just get a reasonable GPA and earn your freshman fifteen.

5) There is never, ever, a good reason to not go out. College is temporary, kids. What an out-and-out tragedy it would be to look back on your years at university and say, "I should've met Jack at the bar to watch Monday Night Football" or "Why, WHY didn't I go over to the Jen's room to watch 90210?" (Editor's Note: Dear lord, I cannot even begin to tell you how GD excited I am for the arrival of this CW gem. I have been patiently waiting for a show to come back and reclaim the high school/college drama! This show MUST NOT FAIL!) Anyway, my intent is not to corrupt your judgement. If you have a mid-term; study for it. If you have a presentation; get it done. If somebody asks you to go out for a beer or two on a random Tuesday in February; put on your jacket* and get over to the campus ale house. Common misconception: you must get pie-eyed loaded to enjoy yourself when you go out. I mean, often times this helps, but sometimes a beer or two will do just fine, thanks. The people that do not fully comprehend this end up being the casualties we discussed in Key #4.

Sure there are more thoughts, nuggets, tidbits, and pearls of wisdom to share. But we have time. For now, don't sweat the petty stuff, don't pet the sweaty stuff, and make sure your roommate is on board with at least three of the above Keys. If not, threaten to make your room the Party Room.

Good luck.